I have found over the years that divorces are both legal and psychological. The legal divorce is the part handled by an attorney where we handle issues including child custody, parenting time, child support, medical expenses, spousal support, property issues such as a home, savings, investments, debts, pensions, and 401Ks, along with tax issues.
Equally important to the legal divorce, is the psychological divorce. I have found over the years that the psychological divorce can occur at one of three points, if at all. In many cases, one person has become psychologically divorced from his or her spouse and is ready to move on. Often this is the person who files first, though not always. I have many cases where the person who wants out, whether because of issues involving another man or another woman, alcohol, sometimes violence, or drugs, will push the other spouse to the point where he or she has to file. Then the person who really wanted out, will say to friends or relatives, “I didn’t want this; look at what he/she is doing to me.” This is all psychological manipulation. If both spouses have psychologically reached a point that the marriage is over, and they have achieved a psychological divorce, then the legal process is very, very simple, because both parties want out and both parties are prepared to move on.
The second situation is one where the psychological divorce does not occur on the part of at least one of the parties until the litigation has been going on for awhile. These are the cases where there are often court appearances, and arguments over interim support, payment of bills, status quo, parenting time arrangements, disputes over custody, and many issues that create more legal battles than necessary because one or both parties have not reached a psychological point where they are ready to get divorced and let go.
The final, and worst situation, is where one or both parties never moves on, and through love or hate, they want to keep fighting over the years, with battles over custody, parenting time, support related issues, and even property issues that go on years after the divorce has become final, because someone cannot let go. These are the most high conflict situations. They are nightmares where people go through numerous court appearances, often many attorneys, spending thousands and thousands of dollars, to just beat each other senseless, because one or both parties cannot move on and start healing and rebuilding his or her life.
I believe that we as attorneys should look at our cases not only legally, but also think of the psychological dynamics, and this is important for clients to look at as well. This is another reason why counseling and interventions from outsiders such as therapists, or in some situations, a parenting coordinator or guardian of the children, becomes necessary. Every situation is different, and these are some general guidelines and thoughts based upon my many years of observation as a practitioner in the area of divorce, child custody, and other family law related matters.
Information provided by Detroit divore attorney Henry Gornbein.