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Tragically I am seeing more and more incidents of domestic violence. The economic downturn that we have gone through has created more tension, with people losing their jobs, incomes, homes, and facing a drastic reduction in lifestyle. This creates a lot of stress which unfortunately can lead to domestic violence and tragedy. In this blog, there are ten issues for you to consider regarding domestic violence:
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Read more... [Divorce and Domestic Violence]
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Over my many years specializing in family law, I have seen people marry and divorce for every possible logical and illogical reason. Over the past few years, since 2008 and 2009 when our economy imploded, and we have gone through the worst economic times since the Great Depression, many people have stayed together because they can't afford a divorce. I am now seeing an upturn in divorces as the economy starts to improve. Here are my observations on some key reasons why people file for divorce.
11. Economic problems are a tremendous cause of stress. People losing jobs, their homes, businesses failing. A drastic reduction in income, equity in your home, and not having enough money creates tremendous tension and often leads to divorce.
10. Alcohol problems. Alcoholism and abuse of alcohol are a major issue leading to divorce. People in dysfunctional marriages where alcohol plays a role may stay together for many years until one or the other gets help, and then the dynamics change, leading to a divorce.
9. People growing apart. In long-term marriages, I have seen people who have raised their children and then wonder--what next? The question that is often asked once the children are out of the house – Do I want to spend the rest of your life with this man/woman? Do you share enough common interests? Will there be a bond to hold you together once you reach retirement? These questions, and different answers, often lead to divorce.
8. Gambling issues. I have seen many people lose their jobs, their marriages, their homes and professions, due to addiction to gambling. Casinos in the Detroit Metropolitan area where I practice have resulted in many marital breakups, as has gambling on line, just to name some examples.
7. Drugs. I have seen people addicted to heroine, marijuana, and cocaine, all of which have led to divorce. Addiction to antidepressants, Vicodin, and other prescription drugs, have led to the breakdown of many marriages.
6. Addiction to the internet. I have had marriages fail where people will spend many hours every day shopping online, e-mailing, playing games, or just being online to the exclusion of their families.
5. Addiction to pornography. I see this in many divorces. Before the internet, there were issues with regard to videos and DVDs. Now there are more and more people who spend hours watching pornography online, and contacting people online, which often leads to the next issue.
4. Infidelity. Have all of my clients been unfaithful? Far from it. But I have seen it in many cases. Many spouses will forgive an affair, especially if there is marriage counseling. A key issue is, can that affair be forgiven? Can you move on and rebuild? Can there be trust again? I believe that counseling is critical in the event of infidelity. The key question in these cases, especially if it is an isolated situation, is whether the marriage was bad and someone strayed, or someone strayed without any justification. As an attorney, I do not make moral judgments, but I see infidelity as a major cause of divorce.
3. Many people get married for the wrong reasons. They are lonely. They get married on impulse. I have had many cases where people will take a trip together, especially to Las Vegas, and come home married. The old saying that fools rush in where wise men fear to tread, is very true, especially with regard to marriage. Look before you leap. Don't jump into a marriage and find out that you have made a huge mistake. Go slow in any relationship.
2. Abuse. This can include physical abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, but abusive behavior is a major reason for divorce.
1. A total inability to communicate. In marriage, people communicate on many levels. If you cannot communicate, seek a marriage counselor. Try to save a marriage, because divorce should be the last resort. When two people are not communicating, especially if there are problems at the beginning of a marriage, perhaps they should not have gotten married in the first place. I am sure that you can come up with many more reasons as to why marriages end, but these are some of the key reasons that I have seen over the years.
By: Michigan Family Law Attorney Henry Gornbein |
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We are now in the holiday season. Think of that Norman Rockwell perfect Christmas, family and friends getting together. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire. That is the ideal. What is the reality? Actually, the holidays are very stressful times. I have found over the years that many people will come to me to file for divorce after the Christmas holidays. People have these unrealistic expectations that are rarely met by the holidays.
Office parties, with that one drink too many, and inappropriate behavior, often lead to divorces being filed in January. Disappointment over friends and relatives who are not so great will prompt people to file for divorce. It is a stressful time for in-tact marriages, and it is even more stressful for people who are already divorced. Fights are common over who has Christmas Eve, and who has Christmas Day. How is Thanksgiving handled? What about New Years? How is the Christmas vacation divided? These are issues that I deal with as part of my practice. I have the last minute phone calls where someone has failed to produce the children for the holiday. This year, my client was supposed to have the Thanksgiving holiday in Florida where she resides, and her former husband took off with the child to another state, violating the court order and destroying the holiday. As a Michigan family law attorney, I deal with the drama and emotion, seeking solutions, for people in crisis, and often on a last minute basis.
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Read more... [Divorce and the Holidays: When Relationships Get Frosty]
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Facebook has become the largest social networking site on the internet. There are other sites, but as this article is being written, Facebook is the king. In my family law practice, I see a substantial impact of Facebook and similar sites on divorce. As attorneys, we look to Facebook as a source of information as well as a cause for concern. I will advise my clients not to post messages on Facebook, or photos on Facebook, that could be if not compromising, at least showing a lack of discretion. I have had cases where one of the parties has posted Facebook pictures of boyfriends or girlfriends, even in the middle of a divorce. Some of these pictures will refer to an uncle or an aunt, who is actually a boyfriend or girlfriend, in pictures with the minor children. This is clearly something that can be used in a divorce, especially if custody is an issue. Indiscreet messages to someone who is more than just a friend, can also come to haunt someone in a divorce. In using Facebook, everyone should be cautioned, especially if there is a situation where there can be marital strife or divorce.
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Read more... [Social Networking Sites and Divorce]
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Henry Gornbein has just been appointed to a three year term, commencing in July of 2010, to serve as the only family law attorney on a Citizens Advisory Board to the Oakland County Friend of the Court. The appointment is one that oversees the Oakland County Friend of the Court and has monthly meetings regarding grievances against the friend of the court by individuals who are unhappy. It is one meeting per month and the committee consists of the Mayor of Birmingham, the Friend of the Court, Suzanne Hollyer, David Case from the Oakland County Prosecutor's Office, a therapist and other citizens. Henry is very honored to have been selected to help with the important role that this advisory board serves. |
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Why does the legal system take parents, who were partners in the most intimate human relationship, and turn them into adversaries? Why, it makes NO SENSE? Nonetheless, Michigan divorce laws favor both parents having a healthy relationship with their children, such as there is a strong presumption for joint custody in every divorce or custody matter. How does the adversarial nature of divorce fit in with these legal values for parents? Unfortunately, all too often it does not.
Parties going through divorce need to be assured that the interaction children have and will have with both parents after the divorce is what is most important. Parents must be encouraged, despite their differences, to learn how to work together for the children’s future health, stability and success and they need reassurance that they can do it.
Unfortunately, divorce often creates an emotional atmosphere of mistrust between the parents resulting in hurt, anger and sometimes revenge. The vital focus for parents going through divorce is the fact that their children need both of them. Fighting over children harms the children, not the other spouse. It is critical to remember and remind the parents that during a divorce neither parent is herself or himself. Parents fear loss of the family; fear loss of their parental role; fear loss of time with their children to the other parent; fear the children will favor and love the other parent more; fear the other parent buy the children’s affection, time and love with lavish monetary objects; fear there will never be enough money to raise the children as was previously planned during the marriage. Spouses going through divorce must understand that the other parent has the same fears.
Encouraging divorcing parents to recognize that the children naturally love and need both of them is crucial. Restructuring the family after divorce is much better served through alternative dispute resolution processes such as the Collaborative Process or Mediation. These processes encourage communication, problem solving, and negotiations and provide parents with the best assurance of protecting their children from the trauma of a full blown adversarial litigated divorce with subpoenas, interrogatories, depositions and unknown third parties making decisions for them. After all the fighting and mudslinging, their attorneys are the financial winners, the court just doesn’t care, each of them is an emotional loser, and their children are damaged without any voice in the process.
Information provided by Metro Detroit family law attorney Danielle A. Smith.If you have questions about filing for divorce, call our offices today. |
Over my many years specializing in family law, I have seen that second marriages have a higher failure rate than first marriages, and when you get to a third or fourth marriage, there is even a higher failure rate. Why is this the case? There are several reasons.
In the first place, in most first marriages, there are no children, both husband and wife are young, just starting out in life, often in school, or trying to build careers after finishing school, and neither party has much in the way of assets or debts, though that is changing with the heavy student loans that many people have, and the fact that credit cards have become such an issue.
People are in love, often naive, but there is a lot less baggage in a first marriage.
Now let’s contrast that with a second marriage. People are usually older, but not necessarily wiser. I have found over the years that people tend to marry the same type of person again and again. Physical characteristics may be different, but unless there is some type of therapy or help, people who are married to abusive spouses, will pick the same type of individual. If there are issues with regard to alcohol or drugs, these issues will be there in a second or third marriage.
The next factor is that there are usually children from first marriages. We love our children, but children do not want you to marry anyone else. After a divorce, children have this hope, often a fantasy and a strong desire, that their parents will get back together and remarry. So when there is a new romantic relationship, or even worse, a new step-parent, our children will make things more and more difficult. In addition, a step-parent is not an actual parent and can never replace the parent. Step-parents do not have the power to discipline, and are in the uncomfortable role of being not really a friend, and too often an enemy, while the children from a first marriage will do whatever possible to undermine the relationship in the second marriage.
Parenting time schedules, where you are now coordinating schedules with his and her, and sometimes our children (new children make matters even more complicated), make things very complicated, to say the least. In addition, there may be a custody battle or a fight over parenting time, and litigation involving a former spouse inevitably puts pressure on the new marriage. A child may move from one household to the other, putting pressure on the new household, especially if there is a lot of acrimony between the two former spouses.
Other issues include the fact that there are often debts and a spouse bringing in debts can cause resentment in a second or third marriage. Economics can be extremely problematical. A new wife may resent her loss of spousal support. The husband will feel that he is paying too much in child support, and that his new wife is receiving too little. If the new husband is paying spousal support to his former wife, this can be a problem.
Many people have not fully healed from the first marriage, and will jump into a second marriage too quickly, literally jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire. All of these taken together, along with the fact that once you’ve been divorced, even though you vow you’ll never do it again, it becomes easier to divorce a second or third time.
In addition, we also still have to deal with not only a new set of in-laws, but in-laws from a first marriage. Think about it. It is not easy. Here are some ideas that I can share with you:
1. Don’t rush into a second or third marriage.
2. Make sure that you have your finances in order, and know as much as possible about the finances of your prospective second or third spouse. What will be done with regard to work? How will money be handled? What assets are there? What debts are there? What income and cash flow is there? What about child- related issues?
3. Is this a case where there should be a prenuptial agreement? This often is a very good idea in a second or third marriage, especially with assets and children from a prior marriage.
4. Counseling going into the marriage to make sure that you are not rushing into something, and knowing exactly what you are doing, is important.
5. If you are involved with someone new, make sure the children are not introduced too quickly. Children should not be exposed to the romantic flavor of the month.
Think about these issues carefully, and if anything, this will help you understand why second and third marriages have a much higher divorce rate than first marriages. |
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10. Have you tried marriage counseling? If not, do so. There are three reasons to go into counseling. The first reason is to see if your marriage can be saved. The second reason is to build a support system for yourself. The third reason is to make sure you know everything you can about yourself, so that you will not make the same mistake and marry the same type of person again and again. Filing for divorce should be a last step, rather than a first step. During my career, I have represented two women who were each 36 years of age and each was on their sixth divorce.
9. Find out as much as you can about your family finances. Obtain copies of tax returns, investment accounts, bank statements, including your checking and savings accounts. Credit card statements are important. Remember that the more you know about all of the family finances, the better off you are if you decide to go through a divorce. If your husband has a cash business, can you track the cash? Is there a safe? If so, photograph and document the contents, including cash.
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Read more... [Ten Steps for a Woman to Consider Before Divorce in 2010]
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10. What is the basis for determination of child support in Michigan? The laws differ from state to state. Normally there is a formula used. This formula looks at the income of both parents, along with the number of overnights the child or children spend with each parent. This computer formula is then run based upon these factors to come up with the appropriate amount of child support.
9. I am paying child support, and feel that my former wife who is receiving it, is spending it frivolously. Does she have to account for it? The answer is no. Child support is supposed to be for your child or children, but there is no accounting required. It normally includes payment towards housing, utilities, food, clothing, gasoline, entertainment, etc. In most instances, the cost of raising a child is far less than the amount of child support being paid and received.
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Read more... [Ten Child Support Issues in 2010]
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