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Why does the legal system take parents, who were partners in the most intimate human relationship, and turn them into adversaries? Why, it makes NO SENSE? Nonetheless, Michigan divorce laws favor both parents having a healthy relationship with their children, such as there is a strong presumption for joint custody in every divorce or custody matter. How does the adversarial nature of divorce fit in with these legal values for parents? Unfortunately, all too often it does not.
Parties going through divorce need to be assured that the interaction children have and will have with both parents after the divorce is what is most important. Parents must be encouraged, despite their differences, to learn how to work together for the children’s future health, stability and success and they need reassurance that they can do it.
Unfortunately, divorce often creates an emotional atmosphere of mistrust between the parents resulting in hurt, anger and sometimes revenge. The vital focus for parents going through divorce is the fact that their children need both of them. Fighting over children harms the children, not the other spouse. It is critical to remember and remind the parents that during a divorce neither parent is herself or himself. Parents fear loss of the family; fear loss of their parental role; fear loss of time with their children to the other parent; fear the children will favor and love the other parent more; fear the other parent buy the children’s affection, time and love with lavish monetary objects; fear there will never be enough money to raise the children as was previously planned during the marriage. Spouses going through divorce must understand that the other parent has the same fears.
Encouraging divorcing parents to recognize that the children naturally love and need both of them is crucial. Restructuring the family after divorce is much better served through alternative dispute resolution processes such as the Collaborative Process or Mediation. These processes encourage communication, problem solving, and negotiations and provide parents with the best assurance of protecting their children from the trauma of a full blown adversarial litigated divorce with subpoenas, interrogatories, depositions and unknown third parties making decisions for them. After all the fighting and mudslinging, their attorneys are the financial winners, the court just doesn’t care, each of them is an emotional loser, and their children are damaged without any voice in the process.
Information provided by Metro Detroit family law attorney Danielle A. Smith.If you have questions about filing for divorce, call our offices today. |
Over my many years specializing in family law, I have seen that second marriages have a higher failure rate than first marriages, and when you get to a third or fourth marriage, there is even a higher failure rate. Why is this the case? There are several reasons.
In the first place, in most first marriages, there are no children, both husband and wife are young, just starting out in life, often in school, or trying to build careers after finishing school, and neither party has much in the way of assets or debts, though that is changing with the heavy student loans that many people have, and the fact that credit cards have become such an issue.
People are in love, often naive, but there is a lot less baggage in a first marriage.
Now let’s contrast that with a second marriage. People are usually older, but not necessarily wiser. I have found over the years that people tend to marry the same type of person again and again. Physical characteristics may be different, but unless there is some type of therapy or help, people who are married to abusive spouses, will pick the same type of individual. If there are issues with regard to alcohol or drugs, these issues will be there in a second or third marriage.
The next factor is that there are usually children from first marriages. We love our children, but children do not want you to marry anyone else. After a divorce, children have this hope, often a fantasy and a strong desire, that their parents will get back together and remarry. So when there is a new romantic relationship, or even worse, a new step-parent, our children will make things more and more difficult. In addition, a step-parent is not an actual parent and can never replace the parent. Step-parents do not have the power to discipline, and are in the uncomfortable role of being not really a friend, and too often an enemy, while the children from a first marriage will do whatever possible to undermine the relationship in the second marriage.
Parenting time schedules, where you are now coordinating schedules with his and her, and sometimes our children (new children make matters even more complicated), make things very complicated, to say the least. In addition, there may be a custody battle or a fight over parenting time, and litigation involving a former spouse inevitably puts pressure on the new marriage. A child may move from one household to the other, putting pressure on the new household, especially if there is a lot of acrimony between the two former spouses.
Other issues include the fact that there are often debts and a spouse bringing in debts can cause resentment in a second or third marriage. Economics can be extremely problematical. A new wife may resent her loss of spousal support. The husband will feel that he is paying too much in child support, and that his new wife is receiving too little. If the new husband is paying spousal support to his former wife, this can be a problem.
Many people have not fully healed from the first marriage, and will jump into a second marriage too quickly, literally jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire. All of these taken together, along with the fact that once you’ve been divorced, even though you vow you’ll never do it again, it becomes easier to divorce a second or third time.
In addition, we also still have to deal with not only a new set of in-laws, but in-laws from a first marriage. Think about it. It is not easy. Here are some ideas that I can share with you:
1. Don’t rush into a second or third marriage.
2. Make sure that you have your finances in order, and know as much as possible about the finances of your prospective second or third spouse. What will be done with regard to work? How will money be handled? What assets are there? What debts are there? What income and cash flow is there? What about child- related issues?
3. Is this a case where there should be a prenuptial agreement? This often is a very good idea in a second or third marriage, especially with assets and children from a prior marriage.
4. Counseling going into the marriage to make sure that you are not rushing into something, and knowing exactly what you are doing, is important.
5. If you are involved with someone new, make sure the children are not introduced too quickly. Children should not be exposed to the romantic flavor of the month.
Think about these issues carefully, and if anything, this will help you understand why second and third marriages have a much higher divorce rate than first marriages. |
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10. Have you tried marriage counseling? If not, do so. There are three reasons to go into counseling. The first reason is to see if your marriage can be saved. The second reason is to build a support system for yourself. The third reason is to make sure you know everything you can about yourself, so that you will not make the same mistake and marry the same type of person again and again. Filing for divorce should be a last step, rather than a first step. During my career, I have represented two women who were each 36 years of age and each was on their sixth divorce.
9. Find out as much as you can about your family finances. Obtain copies of tax returns, investment accounts, bank statements, including your checking and savings accounts. Credit card statements are important. Remember that the more you know about all of the family finances, the better off you are if you decide to go through a divorce. If your husband has a cash business, can you track the cash? Is there a safe? If so, photograph and document the contents, including cash.
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Read more... [Ten Steps for a Woman to Consider Before Divorce in 2010]
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10. What is the basis for determination of child support in Michigan? The laws differ from state to state. Normally there is a formula used. This formula looks at the income of both parents, along with the number of overnights the child or children spend with each parent. This computer formula is then run based upon these factors to come up with the appropriate amount of child support.
9. I am paying child support, and feel that my former wife who is receiving it, is spending it frivolously. Does she have to account for it? The answer is no. Child support is supposed to be for your child or children, but there is no accounting required. It normally includes payment towards housing, utilities, food, clothing, gasoline, entertainment, etc. In most instances, the cost of raising a child is far less than the amount of child support being paid and received.
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Read more... [Ten Child Support Issues in 2010]
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10. Keep a list of issues and questions, and do not call your attorney every day, but save them so you can contact your attorney with several questions rather than one which is a way to economically cover issues and still have your questions answered by your attorney.
9. Communicate with your attorney by e-mail, but don't do it every hour or with every thought. Try to cover several issues or questions at once. Do not abuse email.
8. Call your attorney, but do not do it every day. Save up your questions and ideas.
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Read more... [Top 10 Ways to Communicate with your Michigan Family Law Attorney in 2010]
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10. Look for ways to resolve as many issues as possible.
9. Use the collaborative divorce process which is where you have independent attorneys, but do not file until the entire divorce has been settled. This is an excellent win-win situation for everyone.
8. See if you marriage can be saved through marriage counseling. An independent marriage counselor can often see things that you and your spouse cannot, and may be able to help you through a rough patch, and help save your marriage.
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Read more... [Ten Ways to Avoid a Divorce Trial in 2010]
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- Counseling
- Choosing an attorney
- Role of the attorney
- Filing for divorce
- Ex-parte or temporary orders
- Children and who will have custody
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Read more... [Anatomy of Divorce]
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We are presently going through some very rough economic times. A lot of people are thinking about a divorce, but cannot afford it. There are others who want a divorce, but are looking for ways to keep costs to a minimum, especially with regard to attorney fees. Here at Family Law of Michigan, we are prepared to work with people who are looking for a cost effective way of resolving marital problems.
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Read more... [The Michigan Economy and Divorce]
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